Education,  Travel,  Uncategorized,  Wellness

The Last Few Days in South Carolina ~ Saying Goodbye

“I’m born to leave”

It is an idea that may seem selfish and something I am, at times, somewhat ashamed of.  I have also come to realize that it is true for me.  It’s not that I don’t form strong ties or long-lasting relationships or that nothing suits me, I just cannot escape who I am when I am being my most honest and true self.  I’m a leaver….

 

This assignment was one of the hardest that I have ever left, but I left.  And what I left was the most wonderful co-workers in a beautiful city with one of the sweetest patient populations I have ever met.  And leaving, leaves its mark.  I leave something behind and I take something with me.  Memories, and the need to find another place where hopefully, when I am gone, the place is better for it.  That is always the goal.  Do a great job, be friendly, teach others what I know and learn new things from them, help some oncology patients during a tough time, mentor newer nurses and leave feeling like I have made this small space we call the infusion center a better place.

 

 

Ken and I always do a countdown to remind us that there is an end date even when that feels bittersweet.  It is to remind us that we are driven by time.  And there is only so much of it.  Better do the things you need to do now, while there is time because if there is anything more sure than time it is the realization that it never stays.  It is always leaving.

 

 

There are few places on earth that I feel more at home than I do in the infusion center.  When I tell people that I am oncology nurse, a chemo nurse, I often get things like “God bless you” or “that must be so sad”.  That is far from the reality.  There have been very few days in the infusion center that I haven’t had a genuine belly laugh or been so inspired by my patients that I just have to stop and think “wow, you are such a bad ass”.  They move me, they give me hope, they have shaped my philosophy on life and most days I just stand in sheer wonder of their fight, their grit, tenacity and lust for life and health.  They are warriors in life, in treatment, in remission, in cure and in death.

 

If you ever feel uninspired or that your life is boring or flat or uneventful, spend some time working or volunteering in your local oncology infusion center.  It will ground and center you and give you a new perspective on life.  Guaranteed.  Your priorities will fall into place and your will find your center.  Maybe even your purpose and destiny.

 

 

I’m not exactly sure how many times my desk has been decorated like this but there have been many.  This was my 20 something assignment give or take a few.  It was my goal to make my way across the country visiting the best cancer centers in the country.  Mayo Clinic, Cedars Sinai, City of Hope, Sloan Kettering, University of Tennessee and California at San Diego and South Carolina for the latest.

 

 

Sometimes it really isn’t goodbye.  I have re-visited favorite places many times and I have good friends across the county; friends I would not have me if it wasn’t for the leaving.

 

 

They always feed me well and give me a good send off and it is the hardest day of my assignment.  Not the days when I don’t get a lunch, or miss 7000 IVs or get fed up with insurance companies or the business of running a hospital.  This is the hardest day for me personally.  There are other hard days in the infusion center.  Days when patients progress, days when they go on hospice or days when they move on or pass or die or whatever you choose to call it.  Those are hard days.  Days when I choose to leave them are hard as well.

 

 

But then, there is the humor.  Those scrappy patients who refuse to feel defeated and choose joy.  We all have times of feeling deflated or hopeless but their resiliency, their gift of finding the joy and refusing to give in to hopelessness is what keeps me in oncology.

 

For the vast majority of oncology patients, something so beautiful and admirable rises within them.  All their priorities line up and the less important things just seem to fade away.  They are gracious and grateful, kind and appreciative.  They LOVE to the fullest.  Family, life, breath, health and finding the true meaning of life.

 

 

 

And they love me.

Nursing healed something in me that nothing else ever could.  The first time I bathed a patient that could not bathe herself, all the broken pieces started to mend and that process has continued for 16 years.  I could never do for them what they have done for me.  They make me laugh, sometimes cry, inspire me to live and have helped me mend relationships with my own family.  They have taught me to never take life or people for granted.

 

 

So, a glimpse into my life and work and my soul.  I hope it resonates……with someone.  Its not always easy to be vulnerable.  Just ask my patients.  If they can do this, I can do this.  Right?

 

And to my co-workers all across the county a huge thank you.  Keep up the good work.  It is so important to so many.  Know that you are missed and thought of and appreciated and loved.

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